"Big Hat No Cattle"

Life always delivers the precise lesson you need at the precise time. In the spring of 2000, a relationship ended that would set me on a new course in my life. I didn't know it at the time that one of the most painful relationships I had ever been in would also be one of the greatest gifts to me setting me on a course of self-discovery and true awakening.

At the time, it was a 'rude' awakening and I wasn't thankful for it.

But in looking back I see that I attracted the 'wrong' relationship for the all the right reasons -- something had to wake me up to learn to love myself.

In the mid-1980's, I sat in a Four Seasons hotel bar on a snowy day in Toronto and listened as a man in a Stetson hat ordered his lunch. He had that thick Texan accent and he made the entire room laugh when he turned to the pretty waitress, and said, 'Yup, I'd like one of them Quickie Lorraine's!' He meant 'quiche', that delicious egg and swiss cheese fluted tart with ham or bacon... of course....and the hilarity that ensued from my table and the rest of the bar from his innocent mistake carried the Texan and myself into a brief conversation. He said something to me I have never forgotten. I don't remember the context for the comment but I have never forgotten it. He told me that there is a Texan expression for men who are all show no substance. He told me the expression was: Big Hat No Cattle.

Well, Big Hat No Cattle was what I attracted as I hovered on the razor's edge of 39. And the reason I attracted him was because I thought external things equalled self-worth and that a man could provide it. It wasn't his fault. I called for him. Or at least my subconscious did. He had a smile that glittered like gold but his words and actions were critical, demeaning, hurtful and rejecting of me. He was all of those things to me because he was all of those things to himself - and because I was every bit as judgmental and cold and rejecting to myself as he was to me. But I didn't see it. I didn't see all the ways I didn't love myself, didn't value my talents, didn't regard myself as worthy. It was easier to be angry at him than to look at myself.

Leaving that relationship was the beginning of my new life -- a journey to self-love that would lead me to taking the blinders off my own eyes and learning to say 'Yes' to what was right for me and 'No' to what was not. I have that painful relationship to thank - without it, I might have taken a lot longer to wake up.